linked to the ironic unknown

December 27, 2010

So… I don’t know how many of you use LinkedIN. As it turns out, I do. And, we average two new clients a month that we can directly attribute to the business network. So, I’ll take the position it’s worth the fifty dollars we pay for the extra inMail capability.

Recently I was looking for a Subject Matter Expert (“SME”), and I found a good one on LinkedIN. But, my inMail went unanswered for several weeks until his wife, who was rummaging around on his laptop, and just happened to stumble upon the link herself, advised me that her husband was deceased. That all struck me as a bit creepy. So… It’s rather unsettling to realize that, over the course of time, more and more profiles will be a lingering memory of people that are deceased. So… You can really see dead people on LinkedIN.

In the cases of the lonely or unattached, who would know to remove the profile? Who will police that?

By the way… I was meeting with a gen-something (who really cares?) upon the request of a friend (it was his son). The young lad was twenty three and a recent graduate of Georgia. He confidently advised me that he was a social media expert (seriously). When I inquired about business context, he actually waved me off and told me that did not matter in business these days. I almost gagged on the irony (and, didn’t even need a spoon).

…oh… And, he told me LinkedIN is dead.

…he’s also unemployed, with few prospects.

…which reminds me… It’s amaz­ing how the only day most people use LinkedIN is the day they lose a job.

Let’s be part of the Solution.

Brian Patrick Cork

income

December 20, 2010

“They” say that your income is the average of the five people that you spend the most time with (outside of your family).

This helps make my Grandad’s point when he often said: “If you must judge a man, do it by those around him”.

The thinking around this post is not driven by statistics. And, this is some what unusual for me. I’ll typically make my point with hard data to support them – all of them.

However, here, I’m making a statement that I believe is true. This belief is driven by instinct. And, I trust my instincts. I will be investigating my theory. But, in the meantime, your own gut will follow my position.

This may not make you part of the solution. But, it’s a start. A big part of our job should be making money. It’s okay to do that. Really. I’ll write you a note.

Brian Patrick Cork

ho ho ho, maybe

December 23, 2009

Company Memo

FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:             All Employees

DATE:        October 1, 2009

RE:             Gala Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.  There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along.  And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!  A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.  This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:             All Employees

DATE:        October 2, 2009

RE:             Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.”  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.  There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:             All Employees

DATE:        October 3, 2009

RE:             Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name.  I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo

FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To:              All Employees

DATE:        October 4, 2009

RE:             Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.  Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food.  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:             All F*%^ing Employees

DATE:        October 5, 2009

RE:             The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.  But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I’ve heard them scream.  I’m hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo

FROM:       Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE:        October 6, 2009

RE:             Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

Humor | Current Market Terms

February 18, 2009

No doubt you have seen this on the internet and via email.

But, let’s keep matters in perspective using humor as a lens.

Changing Market Terms:

CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET – a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.   

PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.

 – Belinda

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